DCC Party: A Merda Job For Patrão Ferrão

Wherein your humble scribe presents a (probably doomed) party of Dungeon Crawl Classics RPG characters and the monsters that will most likely leaving nothing left but memories of the poor schlubs.

Smoke hung thickly in the humid air of the back office. It was always humid this time of year in Porto Alego. Maximiano Ferrão hated the humidity almost as much as he hated the city itself. But business was business and though he could generally trust Anacleto to keep things running properly, sometimes the patrão had to handle things personally. And since it had been a while since Maximiano had come down from his estate, today was one of those days.

“Is there any other business that needs my attention?” he asked of his tenente. “I’d like to be back up front before that fat macaco from the guard comes sniffing around for his payoff. I want to speak with him personally this time.”

“There’s just one thing, patrão,” Anacleto Alves rasped. “It seems we’ve got a bug problem at the… warehouse… on the east pier.”

“A bug problem, Anacleto? What do you mean a bug problem? Maximiano Ferrão’s goods are not known for their bugs.”

“These aren’t, ah, normal insects, patrão. They’re big. Really big. And they… well, it sounds like they talk.”

Merda! It’s that bruxo maldito again. Why haven’t the boys dealt with him yet? He’s bad for business, Cleto. Very bad for business.”

“The last group we sent to his condenável tower came back in a box, patrão. A very small box.”

Droga! I’m sick of this filho da puta! Get in touch with the sacerdotes over at the church and get them on this. Clearly we need a little bit of help dealing with this. If they don’t jump at the chance to crucify a bruxo tell them we’ll make a nice donation. They could use a new bell. The old one sounds so tired.”

“Consider it done, patrão. Consider it done.”

“Good, now let me get out of this maldito humidity…”

“Ah, about the warehouse, patrão?”

“Oh, that. Send that little bicha Tiago. I don’t like how he hangs around my daughter, so it won’t matter if he doesn’t come back. Give him a couple of âncoras and let him hire some thugs who aren’t part of the family. We can’t afford to lose any more leales right now.”

Claro, patrão.”

Tiago Duarte / Smuggler / Thief 1 / Lawful
STR 10 AGI 15 STA 7 PER 10 INT 13 LUK 9
Birth Augur: Guardian Angel (+0 Escape Traps)
HP 8 AC 11 CP 29 GP 3
Short Sword (1d6), Sling (1d4), 30 Stones, Waterproof Sack, Small Sack

Nash / Caravan Guard / Thief 1 / Neutral
STR 11 AGI 10 STA 10 PER 8 INT 12 LUK 17
Birth Augur: Four-Leafed Clover (+2 Find Secret Doors)
HP 6 AC 11 CP 26 GP 4
Short Sword (1d6), Dagger (1d4), Padded Armor, 1 yd Linen, 10′ Chain

Ponty / Jester / Warrior 1 / Chaotic
STR 14 AGI 13 STA 10 PER 14 INT 6 LUK 13
Birth Augur: Born Under The Loom (+1 Skill Checks)
HP 13 AC 13 CP 30 GP 3
Longsword (1d8), Leather Armor, Dart (1d4), Silk Clothes, Lantern

Leocádia Ferrão / Astrologer / Wizard 1 / Neutral
STR 5 AGI 12 STA 4 PER 11 INT 14 LUK 13
Birth Augur: Seventh Son (+1 Spell Checks)
HP 3 AC 10 CP 26 GP 17
Dagger, Spyglass, Large Sack
Spells: Color Spray (Gibbering Allies), Magic Shield (Demonic Voice), Ropework (Chain Casting), Sleep (Breath of Life), Ventriloquism (None)

Hornhoppers

Though they appear insectile, like 4′ tall humanoid locusts or grasshoppers, Hornhoppers are actually demonic creatures from the nether hells, summoned to this world by foul magic. They are covered in chitin marked with coruscating bands of colors and have thick, antler-like structures atop their heads.

Hornhoppers are motivated by hunger and will generally attack the least-armored (i.e., easiest to take a bite out of) individual in a party first. In addition to their bites, they occasionally wield small curved daggers and are capable of a dangerous impaling jump attack with their antlers. Hornhoppers devour flesh, bone, sinew, hair, and anything else organic that is part of a kill, leaving nothing behind.

Hornhopper: Init +3; Atk bite +3 melee (dmg 1d3) or jump/antlers +1 (dmg 1d7) or dagger +0 melee (dmg 1d4); AC 13; HD 2d12; MV 20′ walk or wall-crawl, jump 30′; Act 2d20; SP Ravenous (cannot “recover the body” of any party members left behind as long as one or more Hornhoppers survive); SV Fort +1, Ref +4, Will -3; AL C.

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